Today :-/

hello again :D

today has been good and kinda crap at the same time haha. 

i had my job interview today at 10 and i was really nervous and i wanted to text the girl i like to say how am feeling about it and shiiz for the interview... needless to say i didn't and i went in and talked to the gentleman i had to talk to and he just took my name where i lived and my number and he said that he was quite happy to give me the job as his friend is my cousins husband and he got me the the interview so I'm still sorta 50/50 about it, cause i will know i have the job when i have a contract :-/ but i still took it as a positive and he is going to try and arrange me to either go to a 4 hour training course this saturday if not next saturday cause ill be serving people and taking orders and pulling pints and stuff haha.

and the best part is it doesn't conflict with this friday so me and the girl i like can meet up without any problems :D so we are hoping to go on this tour thing i set up and a meal and a little shop hehe.

but after my interview i went into HMV and bought myself Afro Samuria on Blu-ray cause I'm cool like that hehe :) and i then went home and i finally texted the girl i like that i thought i got the job and she was happy for me hehe and we chatted for a while but every time we chat.. ( this is gonna sound weird ) but every time we chat i don't want to do anything else but chat and i got no sleep the night before so i was planning on having a nap during the day, but we got into conversation heavily on the text and i really didn't want it to stop cause when it stops i have noticed it can be hard to get the conversation going again or to start a new one :-/ but i had a little nap and woke up and we didn't talk for a while even though i text but she finally got in touch when i told her i had got myself a dominos haha :D she's a ganit. 

but unitll now really we have been chatting while i have been playing my guitars or watching board walk empire haha but it seems to have stopped just now cause we got onto the subject of the films white chicks and we both like it and my fav part which i told her is the bit where the muscular coloured man keeps hitting on one of the guys who is a girl lol. and she said thats what she is like and i was like what? and she says she hits on guys and i jokingly said back so you are a big coloured man who hits on girls who are really guys and she laughed and said yea. and i then said i wish i got hit on cause to be honest i don't get hit on at all ( if you saw me you'd understand haha ) and she says i bet i get hit on all the time and i was like i wish and that no one seems to like me and i won't know if anyone likes me until they say it to me cause i have problems with reading signals when it comes to liking someone :-/ am good at telling how people feel by facial expressions and body language and their tells and stuff but i cannot tell if someone likes me or is flirting with me i am completely dumbfounded when it comes to that :( 

so yea its been pretty quite on the texting front from the girl...... i hope i have not said anything bad cause i wouldn't forgive myself aha :( i just get zoo excited sometimes when i talk to her hehe.

but yea apart from those good things today has been shit really just doing my usual.. which is sitting around the house doing nothing wishing i had company ;-( sometimes when i feel like this i just want to find a tall cliff with a strong breeze so it could push me over haha. i hate being alone in this world. i just hope something might happen on friday even if it is a hug that lasts 1 more second longer or touch of finger tips i would probably fall over and float to the ground like they used to in cartoons haha.

she just texted me back saying she was called so she didn't text back so that makes sense hehe. but yea i hope she knows i like her in that way cause i have been played too many times for it to happen again.... don't think my heart could take it :-/ i want someone to heal it, not break it. i think she must know i like her cause we have been chatting about how we feel when we meet up and i got sooooo close to just saying i liked her but i said enough to the point of where it was on the verge. so she has to get that i like her lol.

i just want to make her happy and vice versa cause she does make me happy :) and i want to hug her to sleep and be close to her and be there if she needs me.... but ill have to see. the whole thinking that she is my girlfriend is still kinda working but its not the real thing. its kidna like having a transfer tattoo that you would get out of chewing gum packets and thinking its cool but its not like having a real tattoo haha.

anyways 

thanks for read if anyone is lol

Lost Soul

shortish rant :)

well hello!!!!!

today has been an okish day actually it started of crappy as it does and it progressively got better as i was talking to the girl i like :D and i watched some boardwalk empire just chilling. and i also got a letter through my door today from the administrators...... sorry

ill explain this swell. i had a job and the store i worked for closed then a week later the whole company went into administration and no one has been paid .. a penny. so we had to fill in this form the administrators sent out and send it back to see if we will get paid at least half of our wages, which is shit as i am due quite a bit from the fuckers and i might only get X amount of that. so yes back to the point. i got this letter and it basically stated I'm due more money ( the administrators said this btw ) due to the fact that the company did not give me adequate notice period for leaving. so I'm due that ONTOP! of everything else and i am also due about £400 from the job centre from last year cause they fucked up my claim and i shall be receiving that as they did send it away to there guys to see if i wasn't faking it so i should be getting that as well.

people who own companies and business are dickish!! not all but some are haha.

but yes today has progressively got good :) the only thing playing on my mind is this job interview tomorrow as i really want the job but i also made plans for me and this girl to go out on friday and what we planned i had to book tickets and they are non-refundable.. which doesn't bother me that much but i do want to spend time with her. but i think the biggest blow would be to let her down saying i could come :@ so i hope that doesn't happen. i hope i get the job but won't have to start until next again week :D even if i do have to start i will say i can't do this friday cause it was planned for a while and i aint fucking missing it.

but on a lighter note as the day progressed it got better for me... feelings wise and me and this girl have been texting more than we usually do and she goes to college/uni for art and i done a lot of art when i was younger so we both do a lot of drawings and i decided to draw her a picture of the tattoo she was wanting and i done it and she loved it :D so that made me feel great and i then started a second drawing for her and she liked that as well hehe, now she is drawing one for me :D:D:D:D so I'm waiting just now to see that when she has finished hehe.

all in all it was an ok day, not saying it didn't have its downs cause i always do :( but it seemed more manageable when i was talking to her :D.... the way i am trying to look at it is, that me and this girl get on very well... yes we don't text as much which does bother me cause i love being in contact with her. i wish she stayed closer so we could meet up more. but i think of her as my girlfriend to help me get through this shit in my life. cause she honestly does help me. its not like i run to her and tell her all my problems she already has a rough idea of my problems. it help me get through the fact i havnt had contact with a woman in a very long time :( it saddens me to say that but its true. life/ relationships don't revolve around sex but it is nice to have it haha if you get me...... and because i havnt had contact with a woman in such a long time my mind plays tricks with me.... like your ex is doing it and you aren't ..... your ex is with a new guy and she is doing what you used to like to him..... it really hurts so i have adopted this method of trying to help me through it. it works to an extent but not always and sometimes it back fires cause you think of this person being your partner and then all you want to do is be with them hahaha!

but anyways I'm trying to enjoy the rest of my night before i have this interview and i want to enjoy it with my girl friend hehe .... makes me feel like a trillion bucks when i say that hehe.

anyways

thanks

Lost Soul

Just a general rant :)

Well during the course of days, weeks & months a lot of bad thoughts pop up into my head.... it is not a nice feeling and it mostly is about my ex.

i can be a jealous person but i try my best not to : / but it doesn't always work. for example i have had quite a lonely day today not a lot of communication with anyone and it gets me down not being able not to talk to people even if it is about utter crap haha. and just before i came to sit down to write this post i thought about my ex and i got upset and jealous. and bad thought popped up like what is she doing just now? is she with her new boyfriend? is she doing stuff with her new boyfriend that we used to do? stuff like that and it hurts and the funny thing is i am completely over this girl hahaha!! i just don't think i am over the loneliness and solitude of it all.

i mean i have a handful of friends and people will say " but thats all you need" and yes that is true but i want to go out.... more to the point to be invited out i want to be included in things and not to be left out on the side lines. but to not sound needy i think i need a partner :( cause i have a lot to offer and i need someone there to be there for me. i have always been the person who if someone had a problem i would drop what i was doing to help out, i didn't care what i was doing or where or if it meant spending money. along as i helped that person. i would like someone like that who if i need a hug then they will be there for me no matter what. i just think there isn't that someone out there for me : / in all honesty i think ill will be alone for the rest of my days. cause there are no more good women out there cause they all go for the guys who treat them like shit and go out drinking every night and look cool with there other guy friends cause they go fighting all the time when they are drunk.... and its like WTF!!? now i aint gonna stand around and say i am a good guy, i am mr. nice and all that cause no way in hell i am haha! I'm just the guy that is fucking REAL!! I'm the guy who would try his best and isn't afraid to say he might fail cause it happens but ill also be the guy saying if i do fail ill get back up! and ill keep at it until i succeed. why girls go for guy who are all about aesthetics are fucking tools, and I'm sorry to say that cause i don't like saying stuff like that about people but common...... the penny has to drop at some point.

when i go up town all you see is these beautiful girls getting drunk just to act cool in front of there friends of guys that they like just so they can go back to there and have a shag with them ya know... and ill just watch all this unfold if i am lucky enough to go out, and it sooo strange cause people can judge people like a 50-50 shot i have always had a good judge of character ( bar my last partner ) and i can watch these people and see that when this guy goes home with this girl she is going to wake up going wtf just happened. and the guy is just gonna be like fuck you bitch am outta here. cause its like when you where at school/high-school and there are those groups of kids like the posh ones then you got the goth ones and the people who rarely came in but when they did they all congregated and the news/jocks, and you know which crowd you would fit into but from looks you could tell which one you didn't want to be in and if there was any people in your group to just stay the hell away from.... dunno if anyones following haha. but thats what it is like and i feel sorry for these girls cause they are gonna get used but what worse is you get those girls that WANT! to be used like that and its like why!? and they just want to show off to other guys and stuff. but its funny how and I'm not looking for a one night stand cause i don't think i could do it but its funny how they stay clear of me .......... its upsetting cause you start running through your head ok do i look funny? do i smell bad? is there something on my face? is it because of my glasses? am i not as cool as max powers over there?. its such a horrible feeling and when that spreads to social networking sites where no one talks to you and you look like that sad guy on-line that hurts more..... and to go even further its worse when you go on dating sites and not a fucking soul looks at you .. it destroys people, it destroys me. i think girls are the worst guy are just fucking dicks cause they take advantage of girls who are vulnerable or drunk or already in a fucking relationship like my ex was, they should have known better cause they wouldn't like it if it happened to them. but girls are like well I'm single lets go get hammered and go shag a guy or 2, or they are like i just broke up with my boyfriend I'm going to  go sleep with some stranger. i mean how could my ex have cheated on me for the 3rd time for 2 or 3 months before we ended it and fuck, suck kiss this guy when i was with her it ripped my heart out it really did... i loved this girl for 4 years she cheated on me 3 times... she is the fucking devil is disguise, i think all women are cause i have yet to find a woman that is nice and kind and caring and that just in general hahaha!! guys are fucking terrible to don't think i have left them out those insensitive bastards, most of them don't know how to treat a girl.. i don't but i try my best and i want to learn all the ins and outs of what she likes and what she doesn't but going back to girls girl don't really care about what you like that much... my ex didn't give a flying fuck to what i liked.... it was only what she wanted and then she had to say i am not doing enough. but better still i said well help me and tell me what you want me to do and then she wouldn't tell me.. its not indiana jones i don't want to go on a quest to find out what ELSE! you want me to do. just fucking tell me! and she didn't. guys are shy to tell there partners what they like weather it be a sport a hobby, sex , films, books or unusual habits.

humans are sooo fucking annoying!!! we are made of bacteria there fore we are all germs! end of we are all horrible. we only access like less than half our brain why is that.... did we choose to be that lazy if evolution is correct shouldn't we have gained the whole use of our brain?? ( I'm not religious just incase you thought i was having a dig at evolution haha).

i just think we are doomed until we find happiness and i mean true happiness then we are all screwed.i get excited talking to people as i don't get talked to a lot and that means the world to me it honestly does, but when i amnt talking to people i feel sooo bad like unbelievably bad. and in that sense with relationships I'm not in one and i won't be happy until i am and i know that sounds needy but it is the truth... why should i be denied that happiness? why can't a girl come up to me and say hey i like you? i think it is because no girl does like me and when i feel down i feel like no girl ever will like me :(

i guess i just have to see how it goes i guess..... anyways I'm going to leave the rest of my rant for tomorrow haha

thanks

Loust Soul

The Explination

Right haha, i suppose i should start at well.... the start really.
i have decided to start a blog as i would like to see if people go through the same experiences/ emotions & difficulties that i do. we as humans are extremely strange i think and some people deal with situations differently than others and it can be horrible going through an experience that no one else you know or talk to has had.

unfortunately that is what i am going through... well people have gone through similar experiences but no one fully understands and i cannot get the support that i need. so i thought ill share them with people and see what if anything comes back :) it is also to talk about the day to day shit that bothers me expressing my opinion.

so basically its like a diary for a guy who shares his shenanigans to the WWW and to see if anyone is going through the same stuff, that needs help or an opinion on there troubles cause i am more than willing to help. if you are going through tough times you always want that someone there who has gone through it and i have for a long time. so I'm  here for people when they need me. I'm not going to profess and say i am an expert on phycology or the mental state of people, all i am is a guy who is here and has been through shit so i can share experiences and a open ear.

so today has been an up and down kinda day.... mostly down. i was at a very old friends 20th birthday yesterday night and i hadn't seen him and his friends which where my friends in over 6 years.... all of this started off as i went out with a girl for 4 years and within the first 2-3 months she forced me to leave them all.... stupidly for me i listened and i lost them all and then when that happened i found out the girl i was going out with didn't like me having any friends not even hers...... so the ex which we shall call the wrecking ball didn't allow me to have friends and didn't give me the chance to make new ones. anyways she dumped me 7 months ago but 3 month prior while we where still together she had been cheating on me with 2 other guys...... this was a girl i had been with for 4 years.. so as you can expect it really hurt me....

anyways haha meeting up with my old friends was kinda strange to start off with and them BOOM!!! everything was like it used to be when i was younger and i had a great night had a bit more to drink than i should have, as you do :) and i then went home but i have been talking to and i met up with a girl on thursday and we used to go to school together until she moved away and we had been getting on and stuff. just having a good time really and having fun but i have noticed i have grown quite fond of her and i dunno if its me or this past relationship with the wrecking ball but i constantly feel like am getting played about haha. i mean i don't even know if this girl likes me and i have grown to the point where its like i like her... yes there is a few things people might have trouble with but i don't. she has a child already and some people would be like don't get into anything with someone who has a child but i don't see the problem with that as long as you are happy with that person.
like i said i don't even know if this girl likes me back hah so i kinda feel stupid like am doing shit for nothing like taking her out and being there when she is bored cause i dunno if its gonna lead anywhere.

i can be pretty bad with getting close to people but i think a lot of that is because of the wrecking ball..... i think i crave the attention and affection i never got from that ****! but hey ho, what goes around comes around and i hope she gets what she deserved and this is coming from a guy who hates to say things like that haha. but yea.... today I've just been fighting with myself on wither or not I'm making a fool of my self or setting my self up for failure...... i have done a lot of things cause my ex the wrecker really brought my self esteem and confidence down and i stopped going for goals like i used to when i was young..... it may sound like i pass blame to her but she really was terrible... and the worst thing i can say is that she is terrible to the core she is 150% bad.

so i have been beating myself up for several months since she dumped me thinking it was my fault and some of it probably was tbh.. i just think i didn't deserve what i got through those years and certainly did not deserve how i was dumped.

i think i am really scared of being on my own cause i hate being on my own like now.... and thats why i think if i get attached to this girl which i have then I'm just setting myself up for failure cause i think i am just gonna get hurt again. I'm not attention seeking, i certainly do not see it that way but i could do with a few hugs haha. am a gentle giant at heart hehe :)

i just don't want to be a guy that lives his life saying i had the one that got away.......

i have nothing going for me just now i have no job nothing nada. so i sit around my house doing nothing ill job search ill try and talk to people and the only think i can kinda count on is talking to this girl over the phone and that is the highlight of my day, cause i don't really have anyone else. i try to keep busy cause if i don't bad thoughts cross my mind and it just brings me down more :(

i hope i can find happiness soon in my life cause i can't go on living alone with nothing to do and no one.... its the worst feeling ever and i also have a bereavement in my family on sunday and the funeral was on the wednesday past there. so that was difficult for me. i also got laid of my job and then 1 week later the company i worked for when into administration so i might not be getting paid a dime :(

talk about hard time and it is just blow after blow!

i am also really worrying about getting a new job as i have an interview this tuesday and i want the job but this coming friday i have booked tickets for me and this girl to go out and i and worrying about that and also the fact that she might cancel and i don't care about money that much but they aren't refundable and its soo insignificant but it plays on your mind like a jackhammer ripping up concrete haha.

i think i am desperately looking for someone and i do think thats wrong but i think i need that you know... its really difficult going through the smallest things that bother you when you are alone cause it affects you tenfold.

i hope to be keeping this up and shall be coming back on tomorrow if not sooner to give you the run down of the gossip lol.

so yea, if you have taken the time to read this then i thank you cause it does mean a lot. also if anyone has questions comment me and ill get back to you ASAP... like i got anything else to do hehe :)

thanks

LoustSoul



P.S.     just so you know this is all real i don't tell lies however outrageous it seems, ill be telling the truth :D I'm not one of these people who pretend to be other people or whatnot haha