Well during the course of days, weeks & months a lot of bad thoughts pop up into my head.... it is not a nice feeling and it mostly is about my ex.
i can be a jealous person but i try my best not to : / but it doesn't always work. for example i have had quite a lonely day today not a lot of communication with anyone and it gets me down not being able not to talk to people even if it is about utter crap haha. and just before i came to sit down to write this post i thought about my ex and i got upset and jealous. and bad thought popped up like what is she doing just now? is she with her new boyfriend? is she doing stuff with her new boyfriend that we used to do? stuff like that and it hurts and the funny thing is i am completely over this girl hahaha!! i just don't think i am over the loneliness and solitude of it all.
i mean i have a handful of friends and people will say " but thats all you need" and yes that is true but i want to go out.... more to the point to be invited out i want to be included in things and not to be left out on the side lines. but to not sound needy i think i need a partner :( cause i have a lot to offer and i need someone there to be there for me. i have always been the person who if someone had a problem i would drop what i was doing to help out, i didn't care what i was doing or where or if it meant spending money. along as i helped that person. i would like someone like that who if i need a hug then they will be there for me no matter what. i just think there isn't that someone out there for me : / in all honesty i think ill will be alone for the rest of my days. cause there are no more good women out there cause they all go for the guys who treat them like shit and go out drinking every night and look cool with there other guy friends cause they go fighting all the time when they are drunk.... and its like WTF!!? now i aint gonna stand around and say i am a good guy, i am mr. nice and all that cause no way in hell i am haha! I'm just the guy that is fucking REAL!! I'm the guy who would try his best and isn't afraid to say he might fail cause it happens but ill also be the guy saying if i do fail ill get back up! and ill keep at it until i succeed. why girls go for guy who are all about aesthetics are fucking tools, and I'm sorry to say that cause i don't like saying stuff like that about people but common...... the penny has to drop at some point.
when i go up town all you see is these beautiful girls getting drunk just to act cool in front of there friends of guys that they like just so they can go back to there and have a shag with them ya know... and ill just watch all this unfold if i am lucky enough to go out, and it sooo strange cause people can judge people like a 50-50 shot i have always had a good judge of character ( bar my last partner ) and i can watch these people and see that when this guy goes home with this girl she is going to wake up going wtf just happened. and the guy is just gonna be like fuck you bitch am outta here. cause its like when you where at school/high-school and there are those groups of kids like the posh ones then you got the goth ones and the people who rarely came in but when they did they all congregated and the news/jocks, and you know which crowd you would fit into but from looks you could tell which one you didn't want to be in and if there was any people in your group to just stay the hell away from.... dunno if anyones following haha. but thats what it is like and i feel sorry for these girls cause they are gonna get used but what worse is you get those girls that WANT! to be used like that and its like why!? and they just want to show off to other guys and stuff. but its funny how and I'm not looking for a one night stand cause i don't think i could do it but its funny how they stay clear of me .......... its upsetting cause you start running through your head ok do i look funny? do i smell bad? is there something on my face? is it because of my glasses? am i not as cool as max powers over there?. its such a horrible feeling and when that spreads to social networking sites where no one talks to you and you look like that sad guy on-line that hurts more..... and to go even further its worse when you go on dating sites and not a fucking soul looks at you .. it destroys people, it destroys me. i think girls are the worst guy are just fucking dicks cause they take advantage of girls who are vulnerable or drunk or already in a fucking relationship like my ex was, they should have known better cause they wouldn't like it if it happened to them. but girls are like well I'm single lets go get hammered and go shag a guy or 2, or they are like i just broke up with my boyfriend I'm going to go sleep with some stranger. i mean how could my ex have cheated on me for the 3rd time for 2 or 3 months before we ended it and fuck, suck kiss this guy when i was with her it ripped my heart out it really did... i loved this girl for 4 years she cheated on me 3 times... she is the fucking devil is disguise, i think all women are cause i have yet to find a woman that is nice and kind and caring and that just in general hahaha!! guys are fucking terrible to don't think i have left them out those insensitive bastards, most of them don't know how to treat a girl.. i don't but i try my best and i want to learn all the ins and outs of what she likes and what she doesn't but going back to girls girl don't really care about what you like that much... my ex didn't give a flying fuck to what i liked.... it was only what she wanted and then she had to say i am not doing enough. but better still i said well help me and tell me what you want me to do and then she wouldn't tell me.. its not indiana jones i don't want to go on a quest to find out what ELSE! you want me to do. just fucking tell me! and she didn't. guys are shy to tell there partners what they like weather it be a sport a hobby, sex , films, books or unusual habits.
humans are sooo fucking annoying!!! we are made of bacteria there fore we are all germs! end of we are all horrible. we only access like less than half our brain why is that.... did we choose to be that lazy if evolution is correct shouldn't we have gained the whole use of our brain?? ( I'm not religious just incase you thought i was having a dig at evolution haha).
i just think we are doomed until we find happiness and i mean true happiness then we are all screwed.i get excited talking to people as i don't get talked to a lot and that means the world to me it honestly does, but when i amnt talking to people i feel sooo bad like unbelievably bad. and in that sense with relationships I'm not in one and i won't be happy until i am and i know that sounds needy but it is the truth... why should i be denied that happiness? why can't a girl come up to me and say hey i like you? i think it is because no girl does like me and when i feel down i feel like no girl ever will like me :(
i guess i just have to see how it goes i guess..... anyways I'm going to leave the rest of my rant for tomorrow haha
thanks
Loust Soul
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