The Explination

Right haha, i suppose i should start at well.... the start really.
i have decided to start a blog as i would like to see if people go through the same experiences/ emotions & difficulties that i do. we as humans are extremely strange i think and some people deal with situations differently than others and it can be horrible going through an experience that no one else you know or talk to has had.

unfortunately that is what i am going through... well people have gone through similar experiences but no one fully understands and i cannot get the support that i need. so i thought ill share them with people and see what if anything comes back :) it is also to talk about the day to day shit that bothers me expressing my opinion.

so basically its like a diary for a guy who shares his shenanigans to the WWW and to see if anyone is going through the same stuff, that needs help or an opinion on there troubles cause i am more than willing to help. if you are going through tough times you always want that someone there who has gone through it and i have for a long time. so I'm  here for people when they need me. I'm not going to profess and say i am an expert on phycology or the mental state of people, all i am is a guy who is here and has been through shit so i can share experiences and a open ear.

so today has been an up and down kinda day.... mostly down. i was at a very old friends 20th birthday yesterday night and i hadn't seen him and his friends which where my friends in over 6 years.... all of this started off as i went out with a girl for 4 years and within the first 2-3 months she forced me to leave them all.... stupidly for me i listened and i lost them all and then when that happened i found out the girl i was going out with didn't like me having any friends not even hers...... so the ex which we shall call the wrecking ball didn't allow me to have friends and didn't give me the chance to make new ones. anyways she dumped me 7 months ago but 3 month prior while we where still together she had been cheating on me with 2 other guys...... this was a girl i had been with for 4 years.. so as you can expect it really hurt me....

anyways haha meeting up with my old friends was kinda strange to start off with and them BOOM!!! everything was like it used to be when i was younger and i had a great night had a bit more to drink than i should have, as you do :) and i then went home but i have been talking to and i met up with a girl on thursday and we used to go to school together until she moved away and we had been getting on and stuff. just having a good time really and having fun but i have noticed i have grown quite fond of her and i dunno if its me or this past relationship with the wrecking ball but i constantly feel like am getting played about haha. i mean i don't even know if this girl likes me and i have grown to the point where its like i like her... yes there is a few things people might have trouble with but i don't. she has a child already and some people would be like don't get into anything with someone who has a child but i don't see the problem with that as long as you are happy with that person.
like i said i don't even know if this girl likes me back hah so i kinda feel stupid like am doing shit for nothing like taking her out and being there when she is bored cause i dunno if its gonna lead anywhere.

i can be pretty bad with getting close to people but i think a lot of that is because of the wrecking ball..... i think i crave the attention and affection i never got from that ****! but hey ho, what goes around comes around and i hope she gets what she deserved and this is coming from a guy who hates to say things like that haha. but yea.... today I've just been fighting with myself on wither or not I'm making a fool of my self or setting my self up for failure...... i have done a lot of things cause my ex the wrecker really brought my self esteem and confidence down and i stopped going for goals like i used to when i was young..... it may sound like i pass blame to her but she really was terrible... and the worst thing i can say is that she is terrible to the core she is 150% bad.

so i have been beating myself up for several months since she dumped me thinking it was my fault and some of it probably was tbh.. i just think i didn't deserve what i got through those years and certainly did not deserve how i was dumped.

i think i am really scared of being on my own cause i hate being on my own like now.... and thats why i think if i get attached to this girl which i have then I'm just setting myself up for failure cause i think i am just gonna get hurt again. I'm not attention seeking, i certainly do not see it that way but i could do with a few hugs haha. am a gentle giant at heart hehe :)

i just don't want to be a guy that lives his life saying i had the one that got away.......

i have nothing going for me just now i have no job nothing nada. so i sit around my house doing nothing ill job search ill try and talk to people and the only think i can kinda count on is talking to this girl over the phone and that is the highlight of my day, cause i don't really have anyone else. i try to keep busy cause if i don't bad thoughts cross my mind and it just brings me down more :(

i hope i can find happiness soon in my life cause i can't go on living alone with nothing to do and no one.... its the worst feeling ever and i also have a bereavement in my family on sunday and the funeral was on the wednesday past there. so that was difficult for me. i also got laid of my job and then 1 week later the company i worked for when into administration so i might not be getting paid a dime :(

talk about hard time and it is just blow after blow!

i am also really worrying about getting a new job as i have an interview this tuesday and i want the job but this coming friday i have booked tickets for me and this girl to go out and i and worrying about that and also the fact that she might cancel and i don't care about money that much but they aren't refundable and its soo insignificant but it plays on your mind like a jackhammer ripping up concrete haha.

i think i am desperately looking for someone and i do think thats wrong but i think i need that you know... its really difficult going through the smallest things that bother you when you are alone cause it affects you tenfold.

i hope to be keeping this up and shall be coming back on tomorrow if not sooner to give you the run down of the gossip lol.

so yea, if you have taken the time to read this then i thank you cause it does mean a lot. also if anyone has questions comment me and ill get back to you ASAP... like i got anything else to do hehe :)

thanks

LoustSoul



P.S.     just so you know this is all real i don't tell lies however outrageous it seems, ill be telling the truth :D I'm not one of these people who pretend to be other people or whatnot haha